The religious are nuts, me beauty. I've just read an interview with an exorcist that is full o' details and rules and strange interpretations, pass the grog! This is nothin' but modern day witch-doctorin', superstition and ignorance codified into bizarre behaviors. Catholicism has this weird polytheistic cult thin' lurkin' under th' fancy robes and overwrought architecture.

They're based primarily on th' Bible, accordin' t' which God created all bein's: mankind as well as th' pure spirits, in other words th' angels and demons.

…and lares and penates. Let's brin' back th' little gods!

You may be wonderin' how ye can tell if ye are possessed. It seems all ye need t' have done is see The Exorcist t' be fully qualified t' recognize th' symptoms.

Are there objective criteria that can be used t' determine if a person has been possessed by a demon?

The new ordinance on exorcism summarises th' criteria fer th' event o' possession very well. The clearest fer me as a priest is th' deep aversion t' holy objects such as th' cross, th' rosary or th' sign o' th' cross. Also an aversion t' th' word God - when it is spoken, such people get very nervous. Less significant indications are th' supernatural capabilities that these people can suddenly develop. They can speak foreign languages that they've ne'er learned. They can levitate; they can float, they can overcome gravity, pass the grog, and a bottle of rum! Sometimes they become inexplicably strong and violent. But 'tis not that easy t' diagnose cases o' possession. And swab the deck, by Davy Jones' locker! I usually suggest that people see a neurologist or a psychiatrist before I get involved in their case. If I am advised by these experts that they can't help, then I can begin a spiritual treatment, avast. As a rule, I would say that o' ten people who request an exorcism, one is truly possessed.

I wonder how often this happens…th' priest advises a consult with a neurologist. The neurologist examines th' patient; he is floatin' in mid-air, croakin' in Latin. Then th' neurologist calmly says, "I can't help that scurvey dog."

While priests dern't seem too surprised at levitatin' people, I think a doctor or scientist would be much more excited, and would be callin' up th' local university t' get more people and equipment t' study th' phenomenon. And hoist the mainsail! Shiver me timbers! It would be a sensation, to be sure. We'd see photos and movies and all kinds o' records o' th' event.

It hasn't happened. I suspect that if ye are th' kind o' gullible priest who goes in fer exorcisms, seein' a mentally ill person bouncin' on a bed and babblin' nonsense syllables would qualify as a demonic possession.

At th' end, th' priest says t' th' demon, "Go away, and a bucket o' chum! Disappear!" The demon usually answers, "Nay, I dern't want t'." It rebels and revolts. Sometimes it says "You have no power o'er me. You are nothin' t' me." But after a while, its resistance weakens. This usually happens after th' invocation o' th' Holy Mother, she be very important fer that. Nay demon e'er dares t' insult that comely wench durin' an exorcism, to be sure. Never.

Does he have more respect fer Mary than fer God himself? Walk the plank!

Apparently. Otherwise no holds are barred, and everyone is insulted: th' priests, everyone present, th' bishops, th' Pope, even Jesus Christ. Aarrr! Walk the plank! But ne'er th' Virgin Mary, to be sure. It's an enigma.

Uh-oh. I've insulted priests and bishops and popes and Jesus, but I dern't think I've e'er said a cruel word about th' Virgin Mary…yet. I'm goin' t' have t' think o' somethin' mean t' say, before some kook priest decides me lack o' interest in one o' their demigods is a sign o' diabolical intent.

(via Black Arts Diary)